Nobody's child

I was slowly passing an orphan's home one day.
And stopped there for a moment just to watch the children play.
Alone a boy was standing and when I asked him why
he turned with eyes that could not see and he began to cry.

People come for children and take them for their own.
But they all seem to pass me by and I am left alone.
I know they'd like to take me but when they see I'm blind
they always take some other child and I am left behind.

(No) mother's arms to hold me or soothe me when I cry.
Sometimes it gets so lonely I wish that I could die.
I'd walk the streets of heaven where all the blind can see.
And just like all the other kids there'd be a home for me.

R E F R A I N :

I'm nobody's child
I'm nobody's child
I'm like a flower just growing wild.
No mommy's kisses and no daddy's smile

nobody wants me
I'm nobody's child.

Nobody's child

I was slowly passing an orphan's home one day.
And stopped there for a moment just to watch the children play.
Alone a boy was standing and when I asked him why
he turned with eyes that could not see and he began to cry.

People come for children and take them for their own.
But they all seem to pass me by and I am left alone.
I know they'd like to take me but when they see I'm blind
they always take some other child and I am left behind.

(No) mother's arms to hold me or soothe me when I cry.
Sometimes it gets so lonely I wish that I could die.
I'd walk the streets of heaven where all the blind can see.
And just like all the other kids there'd be a home for me.

R E F R A I N :

I'm nobody's child
I'm nobody's child
I'm like a flower just growing wild.
No mommy's kisses and no daddy's smile

nobody wants me
I'm nobody's child.

Tuhan....

Tuhan,
Izinkan saya menutup hati saya rapat rapat
Tuhan,
Sang Logos Tertinggi,
Izinkan saya menutup mata hati saya yang terdalam
Tuhan,
Nomine Patre,
Izinkan saya menutup mata hati dan pikiran saya dalam dalam
agar hilang semua perasaan benci, cinta dan sayang terhadap siapapun.
Tuhan,
Deodenum Proficiat
Tutuplah mata saya
dan pengucapan verbal saya terhadap kata kata dan perasaan cinta dan sayang
Tuhan,
Il nomine patre, et filli , et spiritu sanctus
Izinkan lah saya menjadi seorang pembenci sejati yang tidak peduli akan cinta dan sayang terhadap orang lain.
Tuhan,
Sang Logos Tersuci
Mandikan lah saya dengan air mata kebencianMu terhadap para pendosa
Agar saya bisa merasakan api kebencian dan kemarahan Mu
Tuhan,
Sang Logos Patrenum...
saya tidak tahan lagi........

Tuhan......

Tuhan....

Tuhan,
Izinkan saya menutup hati saya rapat rapat
Tuhan,
Sang Logos Tertinggi,
Izinkan saya menutup mata hati saya yang terdalam
Tuhan,
Nomine Patre,
Izinkan saya menutup mata hati dan pikiran saya dalam dalam
agar hilang semua perasaan benci, cinta dan sayang terhadap siapapun.
Tuhan,
Deodenum Proficiat
Tutuplah mata saya
dan pengucapan verbal saya terhadap kata kata dan perasaan cinta dan sayang
Tuhan,
Il nomine patre, et filli , et spiritu sanctus
Izinkan lah saya menjadi seorang pembenci sejati yang tidak peduli akan cinta dan sayang terhadap orang lain.
Tuhan,
Sang Logos Tersuci
Mandikan lah saya dengan air mata kebencianMu terhadap para pendosa
Agar saya bisa merasakan api kebencian dan kemarahan Mu
Tuhan,
Sang Logos Patrenum...
saya tidak tahan lagi........

Tuhan......

What is wrong with me anyway?

This recent day predictively the situation for me personally has been getting more and more difficult. Really havent got anything very clear to be done. All i have done seems to be blown away. All i have been through in my life recently turns out to be weary.
I dont know what to do...
Everyone is everyone..with their excuses and reasons to be believed. Everyone is coming and leaving out easily. everyone is putting their hands on me for just several seconds and leaving me behind easily. Everyone is only feeling comfortable with me for theirselves needs. Everyone is making me as a part of a short moment reliever.
I dont know what to do...
The last time i thought about my very sad existance..
Never do i worry about my self...that's what people easily said to me
but i know it is the hardest part to be committed..
Like i have mentioned in my former writing on this blog...i have closed my heart successfully..and this happens more and more hurting anyway...i am heartpain proofed now on...i am full of self defence highly. Never do i think for what people will and have done to me. They can do everything to me till they get their highest satisfaction from me. Never do i think for my own feeling.
I dont know what to do...
Never do all of you say that i must think everything in such a positive way. what way is that? a sugar cup cake? or the one which makes me more and more down? okay...i got the meaning...as i said...i transform myself to be more and more feelingless. No trust to love and such a story behind. No more such a great expectation to build in my heart...my heart now on is heartless.
I cant ever make a difference where the sin and the good are...
I am blind now
For me all people now are only seeming like flies...they can come and go as they wish
I dont know what to do...
for no matter i ve been giving everything to them with my own heart but if they dont care..it is their own right...and i never asked for the respond and the reply from them....
long time ago i thought love would come as i had expected...and love now chooses to leave me.
only do i smile in my heart to see this happen to me. it has chosen it own way for me freely.
Sincererity and passion in love are only stupid things for me. I have kicked them out of my head and my mind.
am i hurt?am i in great hope to find love? NO...and Nobody even cares for all my simple wishes
people never think i cried in my deepest heart...and they dont care because i covered it very tightly...but as i told to all of you...you, people, can do everything good and hurting to me and i am in great thanking for that
Nobody cares for what i am feeling
Nobody cares for what i am thinking
Nobody cares for what my rights are
eversince i am not myself anymore..

My morning daydream

Huamm....waking up too early i guess...hm but i had already sniffed the smell of hot chocolate..it must have been my aunt..then i woke up with such a great expectation to taste a slurp of that drink.,pity.she guarded that very well.She only said that the drink didnt want to be polutted by my early waking up gesture..and finally threw me a towel..Get a shower..she said..and not more using my fruit bubble!..another addition from her..Gee..I used myself my own Dove bar soap...

Slowly I bashed my body and mudded it with that creamy bar. Something just passed in my mind..and it lead me to think about the one leaving me with such a feeling...this person reminds me that love shouldnt have to belong and possess each other..just because that person loves someone else..doesnt mean we cannot love each other..
well another term of love goes so general..however actually i need more than that general love.

dont you think that person really understand that i can do more than love to make that person care more than everybody else does? dont you think that person never realize about the coming up of the other feeling of mine?

another second of my body bash!..it reminded me of being stagnant and never force my own willingness..As I have transformed my self into the person who never cares of my own feeling, now on i become a very ignorant for love or such a feeling..it s been crashing down. Heart always gets a postion of up and down..and another third of my body bash..it thrills me that..there will not be anything opened hugely from my heart..The Logos has centralized my thought..and so have I...another fourth of my body bash..I felt more certain that love for me is only a part of distinguised and dirty discourse disgustingly. another fifth of my body bash..it also created a thought in mine that actually i belong to everyone who would like to use and characterize me with their own ways..i am prepared for what people want..and i disparate my own, personal right from it...I belong to Publics!..go using me, then!

I rubbed my body with my warm towel..and walked out with lots of confidence....I am not my self anymore..I am ready to be plotted for anyone's great expectation..and it was the time for me to spoil myself with my own hot chocolate..never be disturbed by my aunt or everybody else's scream to my drink...it is only my little right i can use my own with my full desired satisfaction.

Ketika aku bertemu dengan seekor rotweiller puppy

sore ini..bandung hujan...tapi karena berkeliling bertemu dengan rekan rekan sesama lsm untuk berbagi info tentang hari AIDS internasional..dan membagikan pita merah..saya mampir ke rumah teman yang sering dijadikan base camp saya dan teman teman kantor...bel berdering satu dua kali...belum terbuka juga..akhirnya saya duduk di ..apa ya namanya..tembok batu tapi nampak dari semen..and agak sedikit melamun..ketika ternyata hujan demi sedikit mereda..tiba tiba ada yang menggoyangkan sepatu saya...ternyata..anak anjing rotweiller...hitam legam....dia mengonggong kecil tapi saya senang karena melihat goyangan ekornya...termasuk ukuran gemuk kalau melihat ukurannya..tidak terasa saya turun dan duduk diatas rumput tanpa mempedulikan bahwa saat itu baru saja hujan reda..dan saya juga tidak ambil pusing berapa kali anak anjing ini menjilat wajah saya berkali kali....Duh..mesranya....dan saya juga sempat menggendong nya...berat..heks!..dan kami bermain kejar kejaran ..tidak peduli betapa banyak kendaraan yang lalu lalang..mengklakson kami..what the heck...kami sedang menikmati saat saat itu...
Sesaat saya lupa rasa marah saya..sesaat saya melupakan kekecewaan saya..sesaat saya lupa bahwa saya sedang berada dalam lingkupan yang tidak stabil secara emosi...sesaat saya melupakan grafik kepribadian saya...sesaat saya lupa bahwa saya seorang manusia....atau sesaat saya lupa bahwa anak anjing yang bersama saya tadi adalah anak anjing benaran..saya menganggap dia manusia...
Jiwa saya dan jiwa anak anjing itu bertemu dalam lingkup yang diciptakan sang Logos...jiwa kami berdua saling bertautan...memang tidak seindah kisah pangeran kodok..ketika dicium langsung berubah menjadi sang pangeran.. jiwa kami berdua berangkulan..menembus lingkaran galaksi, berputar...dan saat itu pula..saya merasa...Tuhan..Sang Logos...memang saya ditakdirkan untuk TIDAK MENCINTAI MANUSIA....tapi...dengan jiwa seekor Rotweiler yang menjelma dalam jiwa khayal seorang manusia penyedih seperti layaknya saya...
kontak batin pun terjadi..ketika...teman saya akhirnya datang dan akhirnya...kami harus berpisah.....saya melihat anak anjing itu meneteskan air mata..mungkin satu saat kami akan bertemu lagi...sama sama berbicara tentang kekecewaan yang tengah sama sama kami alami...
Rotweiler....apakah engkaulah yang berhasil memutus kontrak saya dengan sang Logos bahwa saya tidak akan pernah mencinta lagi?